You're not going to believe this, but the little boy in the front is 11 years old. I didn't believe it and made Bertin show me his forms.
Amena showed up to the teenage support group by accident!
Isn't this great?
Tuesday, February 27, 2007
I hope the kids are as cute in the pictures as they are in real life
Deborah--I wish I could take her home with me. She had the most electrifying personality. This picture was taken at the WE-ACTx clinic in the room where we play with the kids.
You're not going to believe this, but the little boy in the front is 11 years old. I didn't believe it and made Bertin show me his forms.
Amena showed up to the teenage support group by accident!
Isn't this great?
You're not going to believe this, but the little boy in the front is 11 years old. I didn't believe it and made Bertin show me his forms.
Amena showed up to the teenage support group by accident!
Isn't this great?
As I approach the final week in Rwanda, I feel as just now getting to know the "real" Rwanda. I think it is easy to get a superficial impression of any place--but after you get to know people and really talk to them--you learn of a different side. I feel as though the friends I have made are putting their guards down and showing me their true feelings about their lives and Rwanda as a whole. They are more open to me now and so share many of the hardships they experience on a day-to-day basis.
This became especially apparent this past week when something tremendously painful occured to one of my dear friends. Naila, a woman I have mentioned several times before, was hospitalized in critical condition in the intensive care unit.
Naila, as I’ve mentioned before, is a strong, passionate, and determined woman. She is very political and has fought for years for women’s rights and affordable HIV care. She is HIV positive and has not been doing well as of recent. Her CD4 count has been consistently below 200 and she is extremely weak. Her body is not responding well to the medicines. She has lost so much weight and must weight only eighty pounds. Despite her physical condition, she is mentally stronger than anyone I have met. She has been going through a divorce with her husband who was a horrible man. They married in 1993. They were both in Rwanda during the genocide. Naila was in the hospital with a premature baby when President Habyamiana’s plane was shot down (the night the genocide began). She told me about seeing the decapitated bodies of the ten Belgian soldiers who were brutally murdered, as they were brought to the hospital where she was. Her husband, who was a Hutu, paid someone to pick her up in an ambulance. Her baby died and Naila made it to a neighbor’s house where she stayed for a few days. She and her husband hid in the woods and literally walked to RPF controlled territory. I don’t know the rest of the story because it was so painful for Naila to recall the memories. But to return to her relationship with her husband—he started sleeping with other women—raping young girls in exchange for some food or something they needed. Sometimes he would bring the women to his house in front of Naila and their daughter. He impregnated a woman and she gave birth to a son.
Divorce in Rwanda is rare for three reasons (from what I can tell): people here are tremendously religious and would never file for a divorce, but rather would just make the decision to separate; the second reason is that many of the documents that proved that a couple was married were destroyed during the genocide. So, there is no proof that a couple was even married—which makes filing for divorce difficult. Third—historically in Rwanda, when a woman marries a man, she basically becomes his property (even having sex is the husband’s right—hence marital rape here is rampant). So in Naila’s case—the document that proved she and Mohammad (her husband) were married had been destroyed. Additionally, Naila had to prove to the courts that her husband did all of these horrible things, but most of the case was “he said/she said”-there was little physical proof (except for the illigitimate child, which is pretty substantial!). Her husband also has a tremendous capacity to lie. So, in order to prove that she and her husband had been married, Naila had to write a petition and have the respected elders in the village sign that they had in fact been married. Then came the court trials. Many people discouraged Naila from going through with the formal divorce because it would be so difficult--she was risking so much by going through with the divorce. After Naila moved out of the house that she shared with her husband (for the reasons stated above and also because he was physically abusive) she was on her own. Mohammad did not work and depended on Naila’s tiny salary. Friends of Naila from the U.S. paid for her to rent a house, where she and her daughter Nadia lived. Her husband threatened to take both houses and Nadia, and so Naila felt there was no other option than to go through with the divorce. Mohammad, from what I hear, is misogynistic and arrogant and thought there was no chance that Naila would win the case. After months of trial, the verdict was read this past Wednesday. Naila received full custody of Nadia and the house! It really was incredible news. Alice went with Naila to the court and told me on Thursday all about it. She said that when the verdict was read, Mohammad looked as if he was going to explode. He called Naila on the phone right after and was terrorizing her, saying that he would rather die than live without Nadia (the daughter) and other things that Alice could not repeat. Alice told Naila to contact the local authorities as soon as she returned home and to tell them about her situation. When Naila returned home, Nadia was not there. Naila realized that her ex-husband had taken her to his home, which is very close to Naila’s house. So Naila went with the local authorities to Mohammad’s house and as soon as she got there, he stabbed her multiple times with a machete. He tried to stab his daughter and the authorities but they managed to run away. He stabbed Naila in the head, several times in the abdomen, and in the leg. Then he stabbed himself. Naila was rushed to the hospital and underwent two surgeries—brain surgery and surgery to her liver and intestine. He also went to the hospital but suffered more superficial wounds.
We didn’t hear about this until Friday morning when a WE-ACTx patient, a neighbor of Naila’s, told one of the WE-ACTx counselors. They knew none of the details. Alice and I went to the local public hospital to see if she was there. We called a doctor friend who works there and he took us to the ICU. There, we learned what had happened and saw her. It was without a doubt the most shocking, gruesome, and depressing thing I have seen in my life. Naila was on the bed, curled up in a ball and she looked so small. She was naked and her head was shaved. She is a devout Muslim and so this made it even worse. She had thick, bloody bandages all over her body and tubes everywhere. The good news was that she could talk. Although most of her sentences were incoherent (either delirium or from the brain damage), I thought it was remarkable that she was able to speak. She cried when she saw us. It was so sad. I could not have prepared myself for seeing her in that condition. The hardest thing for me was thinking about what she has already endured in her life—surviving the genocide-- witnessing countless murders and walking over the dead bodies, living with her husband who terrorized her (both physically and mentally) for years, and living with HIV. Why must she be put through something more?
Nadia, her daughter is OK but as you can imagine, she is traumatized. She doesn’t show or express her emotions that well under normal circumstances and so it is especially hard to read her now. One of the trauma counselors from WE-ACTx went to talk to her at the hospital and Nadia told her that she was fine. The trauma counselor is worried about her and will continue talking with her, hopefully in a more formal setting, where Nadia may feel at ease to let go of what she is feeling. Nadia actually went to see her father in the hospital yesterday. This is something about Rwandan culture that I will never understand. Jean, another WE-ACTx intern, went with her. Nadia and the father talked almost as if it was normal. In the past, Nadia has always somewhat resented Naila. When her parents were together—they lived in a middle class neighborhood and both were professionals. I’m not sure of the details but the father must have lost his job and I’m not sure what happened to Naila—but I’d imagine her deteriorating health condition played a part. When Naila finally decided to leave her husband—she was forced to buy a new house. She had very little money and so she and her daughter moved into a very poor, dirt house with no electricity or running water. During this time, her house was broken into and all of her belongings were stolen. Nadia preferred to be at her father’s house; despite the way he treated her mother. I don’t mean to make Nadia out to be a spoiled girl, because she is not. She is only eleven years old and could not even begin to understand the complexities of her parents’ relationship.
So I’m thrilled to report today (Tuesday) that Naila is doing so much better. It really could have turned out differently. I am amazed at her strength despite her physical size and weaknessdue to HIV. I have witnessed her progression and each day she gets better and better. Today when I saw her, she was out of the ICU and could talk coherenlty. In addition, she can somewhat walk. Nadia was by her side today. It was so sweet to see them together. She does not want to leave her side now. She has had so many visitors—everyone from the clinic, family from other provinces, and friends. Something that surprised me was that her ex-husband’s sister came to visit. She sat right next to Naila’s family and things appeared to be pretty normal….I was afraid a fight or something might break out, but they just sat peacefully next to one another. I think this is something about Rwandese culture that I will never understand.
To switch gears, I held the teenage focus group on Sunday morning. I met ten girls ages 13-18 at the WE-ACTx clinic (which is empty on Sundays). Naila typically talks to the girls about the issues in their life and so originally was going to translate for me—but clearly the circumstances did not allow for this. Alice offered to help me out. The girls also feel very open and comfortable around her. It has been so much fun getting to know the teenagers. I love the little kids because they are adorable and sweet, but I feel like I am able to connect with the teenagers on another level. Over my seven weeks here, they have really opened up and become so much more open with me. In the beginning they were reluctant, as teenagers often are, to really let down their guards. But now I can tell that they are opening up and being real. I think they like me (not to make too much of a self call) because I really try not to be condescending in any way and often make a huge fool of myself (like when I try Rwandan traditional dancing or sing…ouch)—but I think it makes them feel more comfortable. Once everyone was there, we started the group. I had never led anything like this so I was a bit nervous and had no idea if I was doing anything right!! I had prepared many questions under different categories but decided as we started to just kind of go with it and see where their responses took the discussion. To begin, I assured the girls that their responses were confidential and that everything that was said among the girls had to also be kept private. I thanked them a million times and told them that I hoped they could be open discussing such personal issues. The goal of the focus group, I told them, was to identify the problems adolescent females with HIV face in their lives and to develop programs in WE-ACTx to address these issues. I wrote a survey to obtain background information on the girls—the questions were very personal and I thought it was a good idea for them to fill out the survey so that it was completely anonymous. I had the survey translated and they answered the questions in Kinyarwanda, so I am having them translated (back into English) this week. I asked questions about living with HIV, sexual history (including if they or anyone they know has been sexually assaulted), if they have witnessed violence before, and questions about general feminine issues. I am eager to learn the results.
This is a picture of us at the clinic on Sunday
I began the discussion with a question that wasn’t too personal—to talk about the good things and hard things about being an adolescent female in Rwanda. I was surprised by how many girls were eager to respond. What I realized is that even though all of the girls were HIV positive, they lived their lives like typical teenagers. They explained that most of the time, they kind of forget they are infected. I asked many other questions—about the stigma, relationships, who they talk to, responsibilities in their lives, their futures, and what things they would like out of WE-ACTx. I found their answers to this last question to be particularly rewarding. They all agreed that having the support group was one of the best things in their lives. It is the only time that they are free to be open about their HIV. They like having the support of all the kids who are also HIV positive. They explained that they wanted more opportunities to get together with each other outside of the Sunday support group—movie nights, trips to different areas around Rwanda, etc. Something I found particularly troubling is the lack of food. The girls explained that was the biggest problem they faced in their lives. They eat on average one meal a day—sometimes two, sometimes zero. The girls also carry substantial responsibilities—not only must they care for their HIV, but they must do well in school, cook for the family (most have lost an immediate family member to AIDS, many are orphans, or their parents are sick), think about college, worry about money and whether or not they will eat, and the list goes on. I asked them what they did for fun, and most of them don’t even have time to just enjoy. This is another reason why having more programs for the teenagers would be great.
I could talk much more about this but this posting is getting to be long. I made sure to feed the girls and provide bus money. At the end of the group—I gave them journals with mechanical pencils and inside were letters I wrote to them. They seemed to love the gift. I explained my goal of the journal project and hoped that it would be therapeutic for them. As we were leaving (to go to the children’s support group) Claudine, a girl I have been tutoring in English (she speaks very well) told me how much the girls appreciated having someone that cared about them. Just knowing that someone was thinking about them and that she wanted to help made them feel good.
Today marks my last week in Rwanda. I am working with Alice and the children in the mornings and then will work on my report on adolescent girls with HIV in Rwanda. I've also been designated the WE-ACTx "artist" (this is hilarious by the way) and so was charged with designing the WE-ACTx Family Program Logo and draw pictures for a brochure we are making. Addionally, the OB-GYN from the US (does pelvic exams and cervical cancer screening and removal of any cancerous lesions) arrived yesterday and so I will also work with him this week helping in any way possible, but mostly learning about the different strains of HPV present in Rwanda, cervical cancer, and the gynecological procedures. This weekend I hope to travel with Frank—we may head to the south and walk through a forest that is known to have rare monkeys and chimpanzees.
I am trying to begin the goodbye process and think about how I can leave behind some sort of legacy, so some of the things I worked on here have some permanency after I am gone. The girls and the counselors really want to keep the focus group going-but funding, of course, is an issue. Although it costs only around $15 a week (transportation, food, drinks) there is so little money. I hope that once I write up the report, WE-ACTx will consider offering more events for the teenagers with HIV and also provide them with individual counselors. I will have a hard time leaving certain individuals—Alice, Seraphine (the woman who cooks at the house), Naila and Nadia, Frank, Simon’s family, Flouride, and of course the kids.
I’m excited to return home, though, and am dealing better with my impending departure than I was last week. I hope things are good in your lives and am very much looking forward to seeing you soon.
This became especially apparent this past week when something tremendously painful occured to one of my dear friends. Naila, a woman I have mentioned several times before, was hospitalized in critical condition in the intensive care unit.
Naila, as I’ve mentioned before, is a strong, passionate, and determined woman. She is very political and has fought for years for women’s rights and affordable HIV care. She is HIV positive and has not been doing well as of recent. Her CD4 count has been consistently below 200 and she is extremely weak. Her body is not responding well to the medicines. She has lost so much weight and must weight only eighty pounds. Despite her physical condition, she is mentally stronger than anyone I have met. She has been going through a divorce with her husband who was a horrible man. They married in 1993. They were both in Rwanda during the genocide. Naila was in the hospital with a premature baby when President Habyamiana’s plane was shot down (the night the genocide began). She told me about seeing the decapitated bodies of the ten Belgian soldiers who were brutally murdered, as they were brought to the hospital where she was. Her husband, who was a Hutu, paid someone to pick her up in an ambulance. Her baby died and Naila made it to a neighbor’s house where she stayed for a few days. She and her husband hid in the woods and literally walked to RPF controlled territory. I don’t know the rest of the story because it was so painful for Naila to recall the memories. But to return to her relationship with her husband—he started sleeping with other women—raping young girls in exchange for some food or something they needed. Sometimes he would bring the women to his house in front of Naila and their daughter. He impregnated a woman and she gave birth to a son.
Divorce in Rwanda is rare for three reasons (from what I can tell): people here are tremendously religious and would never file for a divorce, but rather would just make the decision to separate; the second reason is that many of the documents that proved that a couple was married were destroyed during the genocide. So, there is no proof that a couple was even married—which makes filing for divorce difficult. Third—historically in Rwanda, when a woman marries a man, she basically becomes his property (even having sex is the husband’s right—hence marital rape here is rampant). So in Naila’s case—the document that proved she and Mohammad (her husband) were married had been destroyed. Additionally, Naila had to prove to the courts that her husband did all of these horrible things, but most of the case was “he said/she said”-there was little physical proof (except for the illigitimate child, which is pretty substantial!). Her husband also has a tremendous capacity to lie. So, in order to prove that she and her husband had been married, Naila had to write a petition and have the respected elders in the village sign that they had in fact been married. Then came the court trials. Many people discouraged Naila from going through with the formal divorce because it would be so difficult--she was risking so much by going through with the divorce. After Naila moved out of the house that she shared with her husband (for the reasons stated above and also because he was physically abusive) she was on her own. Mohammad did not work and depended on Naila’s tiny salary. Friends of Naila from the U.S. paid for her to rent a house, where she and her daughter Nadia lived. Her husband threatened to take both houses and Nadia, and so Naila felt there was no other option than to go through with the divorce. Mohammad, from what I hear, is misogynistic and arrogant and thought there was no chance that Naila would win the case. After months of trial, the verdict was read this past Wednesday. Naila received full custody of Nadia and the house! It really was incredible news. Alice went with Naila to the court and told me on Thursday all about it. She said that when the verdict was read, Mohammad looked as if he was going to explode. He called Naila on the phone right after and was terrorizing her, saying that he would rather die than live without Nadia (the daughter) and other things that Alice could not repeat. Alice told Naila to contact the local authorities as soon as she returned home and to tell them about her situation. When Naila returned home, Nadia was not there. Naila realized that her ex-husband had taken her to his home, which is very close to Naila’s house. So Naila went with the local authorities to Mohammad’s house and as soon as she got there, he stabbed her multiple times with a machete. He tried to stab his daughter and the authorities but they managed to run away. He stabbed Naila in the head, several times in the abdomen, and in the leg. Then he stabbed himself. Naila was rushed to the hospital and underwent two surgeries—brain surgery and surgery to her liver and intestine. He also went to the hospital but suffered more superficial wounds.
We didn’t hear about this until Friday morning when a WE-ACTx patient, a neighbor of Naila’s, told one of the WE-ACTx counselors. They knew none of the details. Alice and I went to the local public hospital to see if she was there. We called a doctor friend who works there and he took us to the ICU. There, we learned what had happened and saw her. It was without a doubt the most shocking, gruesome, and depressing thing I have seen in my life. Naila was on the bed, curled up in a ball and she looked so small. She was naked and her head was shaved. She is a devout Muslim and so this made it even worse. She had thick, bloody bandages all over her body and tubes everywhere. The good news was that she could talk. Although most of her sentences were incoherent (either delirium or from the brain damage), I thought it was remarkable that she was able to speak. She cried when she saw us. It was so sad. I could not have prepared myself for seeing her in that condition. The hardest thing for me was thinking about what she has already endured in her life—surviving the genocide-- witnessing countless murders and walking over the dead bodies, living with her husband who terrorized her (both physically and mentally) for years, and living with HIV. Why must she be put through something more?
Nadia, her daughter is OK but as you can imagine, she is traumatized. She doesn’t show or express her emotions that well under normal circumstances and so it is especially hard to read her now. One of the trauma counselors from WE-ACTx went to talk to her at the hospital and Nadia told her that she was fine. The trauma counselor is worried about her and will continue talking with her, hopefully in a more formal setting, where Nadia may feel at ease to let go of what she is feeling. Nadia actually went to see her father in the hospital yesterday. This is something about Rwandan culture that I will never understand. Jean, another WE-ACTx intern, went with her. Nadia and the father talked almost as if it was normal. In the past, Nadia has always somewhat resented Naila. When her parents were together—they lived in a middle class neighborhood and both were professionals. I’m not sure of the details but the father must have lost his job and I’m not sure what happened to Naila—but I’d imagine her deteriorating health condition played a part. When Naila finally decided to leave her husband—she was forced to buy a new house. She had very little money and so she and her daughter moved into a very poor, dirt house with no electricity or running water. During this time, her house was broken into and all of her belongings were stolen. Nadia preferred to be at her father’s house; despite the way he treated her mother. I don’t mean to make Nadia out to be a spoiled girl, because she is not. She is only eleven years old and could not even begin to understand the complexities of her parents’ relationship.
So I’m thrilled to report today (Tuesday) that Naila is doing so much better. It really could have turned out differently. I am amazed at her strength despite her physical size and weaknessdue to HIV. I have witnessed her progression and each day she gets better and better. Today when I saw her, she was out of the ICU and could talk coherenlty. In addition, she can somewhat walk. Nadia was by her side today. It was so sweet to see them together. She does not want to leave her side now. She has had so many visitors—everyone from the clinic, family from other provinces, and friends. Something that surprised me was that her ex-husband’s sister came to visit. She sat right next to Naila’s family and things appeared to be pretty normal….I was afraid a fight or something might break out, but they just sat peacefully next to one another. I think this is something about Rwandese culture that I will never understand.
To switch gears, I held the teenage focus group on Sunday morning. I met ten girls ages 13-18 at the WE-ACTx clinic (which is empty on Sundays). Naila typically talks to the girls about the issues in their life and so originally was going to translate for me—but clearly the circumstances did not allow for this. Alice offered to help me out. The girls also feel very open and comfortable around her. It has been so much fun getting to know the teenagers. I love the little kids because they are adorable and sweet, but I feel like I am able to connect with the teenagers on another level. Over my seven weeks here, they have really opened up and become so much more open with me. In the beginning they were reluctant, as teenagers often are, to really let down their guards. But now I can tell that they are opening up and being real. I think they like me (not to make too much of a self call) because I really try not to be condescending in any way and often make a huge fool of myself (like when I try Rwandan traditional dancing or sing…ouch)—but I think it makes them feel more comfortable. Once everyone was there, we started the group. I had never led anything like this so I was a bit nervous and had no idea if I was doing anything right!! I had prepared many questions under different categories but decided as we started to just kind of go with it and see where their responses took the discussion. To begin, I assured the girls that their responses were confidential and that everything that was said among the girls had to also be kept private. I thanked them a million times and told them that I hoped they could be open discussing such personal issues. The goal of the focus group, I told them, was to identify the problems adolescent females with HIV face in their lives and to develop programs in WE-ACTx to address these issues. I wrote a survey to obtain background information on the girls—the questions were very personal and I thought it was a good idea for them to fill out the survey so that it was completely anonymous. I had the survey translated and they answered the questions in Kinyarwanda, so I am having them translated (back into English) this week. I asked questions about living with HIV, sexual history (including if they or anyone they know has been sexually assaulted), if they have witnessed violence before, and questions about general feminine issues. I am eager to learn the results.
This is a picture of us at the clinic on Sunday
I began the discussion with a question that wasn’t too personal—to talk about the good things and hard things about being an adolescent female in Rwanda. I was surprised by how many girls were eager to respond. What I realized is that even though all of the girls were HIV positive, they lived their lives like typical teenagers. They explained that most of the time, they kind of forget they are infected. I asked many other questions—about the stigma, relationships, who they talk to, responsibilities in their lives, their futures, and what things they would like out of WE-ACTx. I found their answers to this last question to be particularly rewarding. They all agreed that having the support group was one of the best things in their lives. It is the only time that they are free to be open about their HIV. They like having the support of all the kids who are also HIV positive. They explained that they wanted more opportunities to get together with each other outside of the Sunday support group—movie nights, trips to different areas around Rwanda, etc. Something I found particularly troubling is the lack of food. The girls explained that was the biggest problem they faced in their lives. They eat on average one meal a day—sometimes two, sometimes zero. The girls also carry substantial responsibilities—not only must they care for their HIV, but they must do well in school, cook for the family (most have lost an immediate family member to AIDS, many are orphans, or their parents are sick), think about college, worry about money and whether or not they will eat, and the list goes on. I asked them what they did for fun, and most of them don’t even have time to just enjoy. This is another reason why having more programs for the teenagers would be great.
I could talk much more about this but this posting is getting to be long. I made sure to feed the girls and provide bus money. At the end of the group—I gave them journals with mechanical pencils and inside were letters I wrote to them. They seemed to love the gift. I explained my goal of the journal project and hoped that it would be therapeutic for them. As we were leaving (to go to the children’s support group) Claudine, a girl I have been tutoring in English (she speaks very well) told me how much the girls appreciated having someone that cared about them. Just knowing that someone was thinking about them and that she wanted to help made them feel good.
Today marks my last week in Rwanda. I am working with Alice and the children in the mornings and then will work on my report on adolescent girls with HIV in Rwanda. I've also been designated the WE-ACTx "artist" (this is hilarious by the way) and so was charged with designing the WE-ACTx Family Program Logo and draw pictures for a brochure we are making. Addionally, the OB-GYN from the US (does pelvic exams and cervical cancer screening and removal of any cancerous lesions) arrived yesterday and so I will also work with him this week helping in any way possible, but mostly learning about the different strains of HPV present in Rwanda, cervical cancer, and the gynecological procedures. This weekend I hope to travel with Frank—we may head to the south and walk through a forest that is known to have rare monkeys and chimpanzees.
I am trying to begin the goodbye process and think about how I can leave behind some sort of legacy, so some of the things I worked on here have some permanency after I am gone. The girls and the counselors really want to keep the focus group going-but funding, of course, is an issue. Although it costs only around $15 a week (transportation, food, drinks) there is so little money. I hope that once I write up the report, WE-ACTx will consider offering more events for the teenagers with HIV and also provide them with individual counselors. I will have a hard time leaving certain individuals—Alice, Seraphine (the woman who cooks at the house), Naila and Nadia, Frank, Simon’s family, Flouride, and of course the kids.
I’m excited to return home, though, and am dealing better with my impending departure than I was last week. I hope things are good in your lives and am very much looking forward to seeing you soon.
Tuesday, February 20, 2007
Final Two Weeks
I know it’s been a week again since I have written—I think I am having some feelings about returning home. While I am looking forward to being home and having the time to relax and reconnect with friends and family, I am anxious to experience that transition. I don’t know how it is going to be for me—knowing all of the luxuries we have at home and at the same time understanding what that money could buy for people in Rwanda. I hope that I haven’t become jaded by this experience because the last thing I would want is to return home and be judgmental/critical about our lifestyles in the U.S. I just don’t know how it will be for me; I’m sure it’s true for anyone returning from a trip like this.
This is a picture of one of my favorite kids and me this past Sunday--she always sneaks into my class with the older kids when I teach English.
I was emailing with Allie (one of my best friends from home) who spent a summer volunteering at an orphanage in Guatemala. She explained leaving so well—she said that she cried when she left because she felt so bad about leaving the children….but that she felt a little bit funny because she was crying but the kids had to go on and live the rest of their lives in such a sad poverty (I hope that explanation did justice to your eloquent words Al!)—I don’t know how well I explained it…but the idea is—you go and help for a short period of time, but what happens to the kids after you leave? They go on and face the same, hard lives day after day. So I want to try to be more optimistic than I have been and think that maybe I can be of help even when I am back in the states. Simply by being here and bringing back stories about what people have endured and how their lives are affected by it today—I am sure I will be able to raise money as I have wonderful and generous family and friends. Also, if I can do anything to help raise the consciousnesses of people in the United States about places like Rwanda—that will be a good thing too.
The problem I am faced with day after day is whom should I help? How do I decide whom “deserves” money or food more? For example—there is a woman who works for WE-ACTx named Fluoride. I mentioned her daughter Annanice in the last posting, I believe. So Fluoride was hired by WE-ACTx part time to work in the children’s program. She earns the lowest salary from WE-ACTx, making close to nothing (a high paid employee—a trauma counselor at WE-ACTx earns around $300 a month). She is a single mother (her husband died of AIDS) raising four children—one whom is adopted—and lives in absolute poverty. The sad reality is—she makes seven times more money than the average person in Rwanda (side note—the average woman in Rwanda also has over six children)! She was sponsored by an American family all of last year—but that was only a one year thing—so she is back to struggling to support her family. For me, the problem is—I want to support her and her family—but it’s hard to wrap my head around the fact that she is more “well off” than so many other families!
This is a picture of the women with whom I work--from left to right (when looking at the picture)--Alice, Naila, and Fluoride (the woman I just told you about). Also-please note my outfit! When I am in public at the Sunday Children's Program (it is held outside of a Mosque) I need to wear clothes like this!
So that is how things are going here—and I will have to confront these issues in my final two weeks.
Something else that is hard for me is that the organization WE-ACTx is absolutely dependent on grants, most of which are yearly! So we must re-apply for grants year after year—if we do not receive the grants again—there will be no money for the organization—and thus no money to pay the many people who work for WE-ACTx and also to provide the wonderful services to so many people. This reality is especially burdensome (not so much for me, but Mardge, my supervisor and medical director of WE-ACTx) because so many people’s lives are dependent on their jobs at WE-ACTx or the services they receive from WE-ACTx.
This picture is of a very good friend I have made here--Frank. We went to Gisenyi (western Rwanda, right next to the Congo) last Friday to meet with these widows of the genocide who started a successful sewing cooperative. We are standing next to Lake Kivu, the lake that separates Rwanda from the Congo. During the genocide many dead bodies were thrown into the lake. Also, many people escaped the genocide by swimming in it to get to the Congo.
On another note—my focus group of adolescent girls will be held this Sunday! I am very much looking forward to this. We selected ten adolescent females who are HIV positive. They will come to the WE-ACTx clinic on Sunday and we will discuss different things that they face living in Rwanda with HIV. I want to know what they think about the future, are they stigmatized because they are infected, and how can we better understand and help them. To thank them for coming, we will provide transportation money, food, and diaries for them. I have mentioned this before—but I think that keeping journals will be a rewarding experience for some of these girls. I hope that I have developed strong enough relationships with them so that they will feel comfortable talking candidly with me.
Well I had better finish this, as I don’t want to be late for work! Email me if you have any ideas or anything about how we can help out when I am back in the States (Leah.Ansell@gmail.com).
This is a picture of one of my favorite kids and me this past Sunday--she always sneaks into my class with the older kids when I teach English.
I was emailing with Allie (one of my best friends from home) who spent a summer volunteering at an orphanage in Guatemala. She explained leaving so well—she said that she cried when she left because she felt so bad about leaving the children….but that she felt a little bit funny because she was crying but the kids had to go on and live the rest of their lives in such a sad poverty (I hope that explanation did justice to your eloquent words Al!)—I don’t know how well I explained it…but the idea is—you go and help for a short period of time, but what happens to the kids after you leave? They go on and face the same, hard lives day after day. So I want to try to be more optimistic than I have been and think that maybe I can be of help even when I am back in the states. Simply by being here and bringing back stories about what people have endured and how their lives are affected by it today—I am sure I will be able to raise money as I have wonderful and generous family and friends. Also, if I can do anything to help raise the consciousnesses of people in the United States about places like Rwanda—that will be a good thing too.
The problem I am faced with day after day is whom should I help? How do I decide whom “deserves” money or food more? For example—there is a woman who works for WE-ACTx named Fluoride. I mentioned her daughter Annanice in the last posting, I believe. So Fluoride was hired by WE-ACTx part time to work in the children’s program. She earns the lowest salary from WE-ACTx, making close to nothing (a high paid employee—a trauma counselor at WE-ACTx earns around $300 a month). She is a single mother (her husband died of AIDS) raising four children—one whom is adopted—and lives in absolute poverty. The sad reality is—she makes seven times more money than the average person in Rwanda (side note—the average woman in Rwanda also has over six children)! She was sponsored by an American family all of last year—but that was only a one year thing—so she is back to struggling to support her family. For me, the problem is—I want to support her and her family—but it’s hard to wrap my head around the fact that she is more “well off” than so many other families!
This is a picture of the women with whom I work--from left to right (when looking at the picture)--Alice, Naila, and Fluoride (the woman I just told you about). Also-please note my outfit! When I am in public at the Sunday Children's Program (it is held outside of a Mosque) I need to wear clothes like this!
So that is how things are going here—and I will have to confront these issues in my final two weeks.
Something else that is hard for me is that the organization WE-ACTx is absolutely dependent on grants, most of which are yearly! So we must re-apply for grants year after year—if we do not receive the grants again—there will be no money for the organization—and thus no money to pay the many people who work for WE-ACTx and also to provide the wonderful services to so many people. This reality is especially burdensome (not so much for me, but Mardge, my supervisor and medical director of WE-ACTx) because so many people’s lives are dependent on their jobs at WE-ACTx or the services they receive from WE-ACTx.
This picture is of a very good friend I have made here--Frank. We went to Gisenyi (western Rwanda, right next to the Congo) last Friday to meet with these widows of the genocide who started a successful sewing cooperative. We are standing next to Lake Kivu, the lake that separates Rwanda from the Congo. During the genocide many dead bodies were thrown into the lake. Also, many people escaped the genocide by swimming in it to get to the Congo.
On another note—my focus group of adolescent girls will be held this Sunday! I am very much looking forward to this. We selected ten adolescent females who are HIV positive. They will come to the WE-ACTx clinic on Sunday and we will discuss different things that they face living in Rwanda with HIV. I want to know what they think about the future, are they stigmatized because they are infected, and how can we better understand and help them. To thank them for coming, we will provide transportation money, food, and diaries for them. I have mentioned this before—but I think that keeping journals will be a rewarding experience for some of these girls. I hope that I have developed strong enough relationships with them so that they will feel comfortable talking candidly with me.
Well I had better finish this, as I don’t want to be late for work! Email me if you have any ideas or anything about how we can help out when I am back in the States (Leah.Ansell@gmail.com).
Monday, February 12, 2007
The last leg
Sorry that it is Monday and the first time I have written in a week. I returned on Friday afternoon after spending a week in the buzzing metropolis that is Butare. And by buzzing metropolis…I mean the one street that is Butare, the second largest city in Rwanda. I hope that you can sense my sarcasm through the writing. So the class itself was really interesting—it is the first psychology graduate (masters) program in all of Rwanda—and the goal is to train trauma counselors. There were twelve students in the class—all of whom had full time jobs and families to support. So many of them had to take their one-week of vacation during the year to attend the course! The University is nothing like American Universities—it is so disorganized! The director of the University is only the director because he received his PhD in Europe…otherwise he has no business being an administrator. There is no standard for grading, no course syllabus, sometimes the professors don’t show up….the list goes on! That being said, the students are frustrated with the system and lately have been protesting.
Anyway, the course material was really interesting. I learned a lot about trauma, complex posttraumatic stress disorder, and how these fit in Rwanda (pretty obvious). The classes were long—almost six hours a day straight. I was taking notes of the entire class on my computer to give to the students when the course was over. None of the students were very proficient in English and so the fact that the course was taught in English was extremely challenging for most of them. So, having the notes of the course written out will be great for them to clarify the parts of the lectures they missed. The course lasted five days. The biggest problem for me about the week, besides being in the “city” of Butare, was that I became very sick! So there are a few problems when you get sick in a foreign place…the first and most frightening problem is you have no idea what you have! In the U.S. if I had the same symptoms I would take a couple Advil and lie on the couch and watch TV for a few days. Here…who knows what it could be! I was sure I had TB until my dad told me that takes months to develop! Oops. The second problem was—I was in Butare at this little guesthouse/taking notes for this class. In the guesthouse—there was no running hot water or really anything for that matter…basically it was a bed in a room without any windows. Then at the University, it was even more problematic because when I felt like I had to throw up but there was nowhere to go! The bathroom requires a key and is about 100 yards away—so I was out of luck there. Additionally, there were no garbage cans whatsoever—so I was planning, if it came to this point (which fortunately it did not), to simply throw up all over myself! Sorry for the graphic details…but this was a big dilemma for me. So it all started Tuesday morning when I woke up with a slight cough. As the day progressed this turned into the chills, nausea, and the worst sneezing attacks I have ever had. These symptoms persisted until Friday when the sneezing subsided and was replaced with incessant coughing—it felt like pneumonia. I could tell the class felt bad for me-because each day they bought me packets of tissues. I felt like the week would never end…but at one in the afternoon on Friday, we were driven home. I think I was pretty close to coughing up a lung during the two-hour ride home….but I managed. I jumped right into bed and pretty much never left for the remainder of the weekend!
The good news is—I am feeling much better now and the fever is gone. The cough is still very much present, but now I don’t feel as if I am going to stop breathing every time I feel the urge to cough. When I walked into the clinic today, it was FILLED with people! There weren’t enough seats for everyone—I learned that the little illness I had is going around Kigali. Go figure. Then I thought about what a baby I was—because these people don’t have Advil or Tylenol like I did. In addition, they probably walked miles to get to the clinic and were working to support their families! All I had to do was sit in a classroom for six hours a day. Just an example of putting things in perspective…
So now onto other things, like the kids program. It is without a doubt my favorite part of my experience here. It is the highlight of my week. I am so impressed with how kind, enthusiastic, and patient the children are. For example—there is a five-year old girl Annanice. Her father died from AIDS two years ago and she lives with her two older siblings, an adopted cousin (from the genocide) and her mother, who is infected. Annanice is the only child in the family who is also infected. The past two Sundays she has been upset by normal little kid stuff—but her big sister who is eleven—who comes to the Family Program (which is only for children with HIV) just to support Annanice—takes such good care of her. She pulls her aside, kisses her, and holds her hand until she feels better. It is so beautiful to watch. Something else I find amazing is their patience. There are so many kids to feed during snack time—but they just sit and wait patiently to be served. The last child to receive his food never complains—he just sits and waits quietly.
The above picture are two of my favorite kids--the one on the left was the one left in the woods. The hats they are wearing were donations from a sewing cooperative in San Fransisco
This is a picture of two of the girls I worked with on portrait drawing.
Yesterday we received a newcomer to the children’s program. I mentioned a few weeks ago a four year old girl who was left in the woods by her stepmother to die. In case you don’t remember or didn’t read that post, I will share the story—after this little girl’s mother died from AIDS, she was given to her stepmother (the father also died from AIDS), who didn’t want her. The stepmother left the girl in the woods to die. Four days went by and a woman heard her crying. She went into the woods and found her! The girl was in the hospital for over two months. The story though is happy now—the woman who found her in the woods decided to adopt the girl. So back to the Sunday program—the girl and her adopted mother came yesterday! It is so clear that the adopted mother loves the girl so much. And the little girl is the most vivacious and sweetest girl I have ever met! She was like a parrot—she would excitedly repeat any English word you said and emulate any face you made. It was a joy to watch how well she interacted with the other kids and also her guardian. Of course, a picture is included.
Such a beautiful smile
This was not posed at all--the kids gulping down their full glasses of milk
So I have only three weeks left here…it is hard for me to believe. There is much I want to accomplish in that short amount of time. My main focus will be working with the adolescent girls. I want to learn about the adolescent women and try to understand what is their sense of the world—how is it for them living with HIV in Rwanda. I want to talk to them about their plans for the future (job/marriage/children?), find out what kinds of outlets they have—can they talk with one another about living with HIV?, what it is like going to secondary school—do their classmates know they are infected?, etc. Also, because many of the young women are orphans, move homes often, don’t eat substantial meals—all life events than make one susceptible to developing depression—I would like to assess somehow if this is a problem among them. I am also going to ask similar questions to young women who are not infected to see how the responses compare. The overarching goal is to develop programs that address the needs of these young women and learn more about what they are going through. I’ve been struck by these young women—they are incredible leaders at the children’s group. They are so capable at such a young age. I think that even the focus group will allow the girls the space to share what is going on for them and hopefully have some therapeutic value. I have mentioned this before—but I would like to start a diary program for these girls-to give them an outlet to share their everyday thoughts and emotions about being a young adult woman and living with HIV.
And I’m spent! That was long. Hope you are all well and I am thinking about you.
Anyway, the course material was really interesting. I learned a lot about trauma, complex posttraumatic stress disorder, and how these fit in Rwanda (pretty obvious). The classes were long—almost six hours a day straight. I was taking notes of the entire class on my computer to give to the students when the course was over. None of the students were very proficient in English and so the fact that the course was taught in English was extremely challenging for most of them. So, having the notes of the course written out will be great for them to clarify the parts of the lectures they missed. The course lasted five days. The biggest problem for me about the week, besides being in the “city” of Butare, was that I became very sick! So there are a few problems when you get sick in a foreign place…the first and most frightening problem is you have no idea what you have! In the U.S. if I had the same symptoms I would take a couple Advil and lie on the couch and watch TV for a few days. Here…who knows what it could be! I was sure I had TB until my dad told me that takes months to develop! Oops. The second problem was—I was in Butare at this little guesthouse/taking notes for this class. In the guesthouse—there was no running hot water or really anything for that matter…basically it was a bed in a room without any windows. Then at the University, it was even more problematic because when I felt like I had to throw up but there was nowhere to go! The bathroom requires a key and is about 100 yards away—so I was out of luck there. Additionally, there were no garbage cans whatsoever—so I was planning, if it came to this point (which fortunately it did not), to simply throw up all over myself! Sorry for the graphic details…but this was a big dilemma for me. So it all started Tuesday morning when I woke up with a slight cough. As the day progressed this turned into the chills, nausea, and the worst sneezing attacks I have ever had. These symptoms persisted until Friday when the sneezing subsided and was replaced with incessant coughing—it felt like pneumonia. I could tell the class felt bad for me-because each day they bought me packets of tissues. I felt like the week would never end…but at one in the afternoon on Friday, we were driven home. I think I was pretty close to coughing up a lung during the two-hour ride home….but I managed. I jumped right into bed and pretty much never left for the remainder of the weekend!
The good news is—I am feeling much better now and the fever is gone. The cough is still very much present, but now I don’t feel as if I am going to stop breathing every time I feel the urge to cough. When I walked into the clinic today, it was FILLED with people! There weren’t enough seats for everyone—I learned that the little illness I had is going around Kigali. Go figure. Then I thought about what a baby I was—because these people don’t have Advil or Tylenol like I did. In addition, they probably walked miles to get to the clinic and were working to support their families! All I had to do was sit in a classroom for six hours a day. Just an example of putting things in perspective…
So now onto other things, like the kids program. It is without a doubt my favorite part of my experience here. It is the highlight of my week. I am so impressed with how kind, enthusiastic, and patient the children are. For example—there is a five-year old girl Annanice. Her father died from AIDS two years ago and she lives with her two older siblings, an adopted cousin (from the genocide) and her mother, who is infected. Annanice is the only child in the family who is also infected. The past two Sundays she has been upset by normal little kid stuff—but her big sister who is eleven—who comes to the Family Program (which is only for children with HIV) just to support Annanice—takes such good care of her. She pulls her aside, kisses her, and holds her hand until she feels better. It is so beautiful to watch. Something else I find amazing is their patience. There are so many kids to feed during snack time—but they just sit and wait patiently to be served. The last child to receive his food never complains—he just sits and waits quietly.
The above picture are two of my favorite kids--the one on the left was the one left in the woods. The hats they are wearing were donations from a sewing cooperative in San Fransisco
This is a picture of two of the girls I worked with on portrait drawing.
Yesterday we received a newcomer to the children’s program. I mentioned a few weeks ago a four year old girl who was left in the woods by her stepmother to die. In case you don’t remember or didn’t read that post, I will share the story—after this little girl’s mother died from AIDS, she was given to her stepmother (the father also died from AIDS), who didn’t want her. The stepmother left the girl in the woods to die. Four days went by and a woman heard her crying. She went into the woods and found her! The girl was in the hospital for over two months. The story though is happy now—the woman who found her in the woods decided to adopt the girl. So back to the Sunday program—the girl and her adopted mother came yesterday! It is so clear that the adopted mother loves the girl so much. And the little girl is the most vivacious and sweetest girl I have ever met! She was like a parrot—she would excitedly repeat any English word you said and emulate any face you made. It was a joy to watch how well she interacted with the other kids and also her guardian. Of course, a picture is included.
Such a beautiful smile
This was not posed at all--the kids gulping down their full glasses of milk
So I have only three weeks left here…it is hard for me to believe. There is much I want to accomplish in that short amount of time. My main focus will be working with the adolescent girls. I want to learn about the adolescent women and try to understand what is their sense of the world—how is it for them living with HIV in Rwanda. I want to talk to them about their plans for the future (job/marriage/children?), find out what kinds of outlets they have—can they talk with one another about living with HIV?, what it is like going to secondary school—do their classmates know they are infected?, etc. Also, because many of the young women are orphans, move homes often, don’t eat substantial meals—all life events than make one susceptible to developing depression—I would like to assess somehow if this is a problem among them. I am also going to ask similar questions to young women who are not infected to see how the responses compare. The overarching goal is to develop programs that address the needs of these young women and learn more about what they are going through. I’ve been struck by these young women—they are incredible leaders at the children’s group. They are so capable at such a young age. I think that even the focus group will allow the girls the space to share what is going on for them and hopefully have some therapeutic value. I have mentioned this before—but I would like to start a diary program for these girls-to give them an outlet to share their everyday thoughts and emotions about being a young adult woman and living with HIV.
And I’m spent! That was long. Hope you are all well and I am thinking about you.
Monday, February 5, 2007
In the south for one week
Hey this is going to be very brief because I am leaving at 5 am tomorrow for Butare. I am spending a week at the University there--I will be working with Mary the trauma psychologist--she is teaching for a week--the first psychology masters program in Rwanda. crazy. So I'm really interested in seeing the university and learning about trauma counseling. So I wont have email access until Friday.
This past weekend was great--I went to Akajera in the north and saw giraffes, zebras, hippos, gazelle, baboons. It was really cool! Here are a few pictures, one is from before I left at the Mille Collines Hotel--the hotel on which Hotel Rwanda was based.
Today I went to the famliy program and had the best time. I feel like I am really developing relationships with the kids, which makes it all the harder because I'll be leaving soon. But I started my art class today. It went so well! I worked with a small group--fifteen girls--and we did self portraits. It was so much fun. I thikn it was the first art class many if not all of the girls had ever had. Some of the portraits are really good. They are all fast learners. After, I taught the english class-- 60 of the older kids--this was also fun. What I have them do is get into partners and then they have to do demos in front of the class--so one person says to the other "Hi, how are you?" and the person answers: "I am...." and then they show a particular expression on their face (happy, sad, mad, tired, etc.) and the person who asked the question has to say "He/she is happy/sad, etc.". They love it! I think they are really learning, although it is hard because there are so many kids.
The little kids are mroe than adorable. Watching them eat their snack is my favorite part, i think. They drink these huge glasses of thick sweet milk (its like yogurt!) and get huge milk mustaches. I promise I'll bring my camera next week so you can see pictures of some of them.
On another note, I have learned that they do not have any antidepressants available in Rwanda. This is unfortuante because so many people suffer from post traumatic stress disorder, depression, anxiety, etc. Something else I learned was that abortion is completely illegal here. This country is religious and because of this--rather conservative (not in the Bush way, but in a religous way...if that makes sense). There has been so much rape and pregnacies b/c of the rape--and there is nothing these women can do about it. In addition, birth control pills are extremely rare--and the people that take them are almost always married.
Many of the kids in the program have mothers who are prostitutes. I learned that the prostitutes charge more money if the man doesn't want to wear a condom....so this, clearly, exacerbates the spread of HIV. Something else--mamy of the prostitutes were raped or sexually assaulted and sometimes purposely spread HIV to the men so they become infected. THe cutest girl in the clinic (if i were to adopt a child, she woud be it!) was born to a prostitute. She has a new baby eveyr year.
Alright, I'm exhausted and I have less than five hours before I catch a bus tomorrow to Butare.
Take care everyone! I'm thinking about you all.
This past weekend was great--I went to Akajera in the north and saw giraffes, zebras, hippos, gazelle, baboons. It was really cool! Here are a few pictures, one is from before I left at the Mille Collines Hotel--the hotel on which Hotel Rwanda was based.
Today I went to the famliy program and had the best time. I feel like I am really developing relationships with the kids, which makes it all the harder because I'll be leaving soon. But I started my art class today. It went so well! I worked with a small group--fifteen girls--and we did self portraits. It was so much fun. I thikn it was the first art class many if not all of the girls had ever had. Some of the portraits are really good. They are all fast learners. After, I taught the english class-- 60 of the older kids--this was also fun. What I have them do is get into partners and then they have to do demos in front of the class--so one person says to the other "Hi, how are you?" and the person answers: "I am...." and then they show a particular expression on their face (happy, sad, mad, tired, etc.) and the person who asked the question has to say "He/she is happy/sad, etc.". They love it! I think they are really learning, although it is hard because there are so many kids.
The little kids are mroe than adorable. Watching them eat their snack is my favorite part, i think. They drink these huge glasses of thick sweet milk (its like yogurt!) and get huge milk mustaches. I promise I'll bring my camera next week so you can see pictures of some of them.
On another note, I have learned that they do not have any antidepressants available in Rwanda. This is unfortuante because so many people suffer from post traumatic stress disorder, depression, anxiety, etc. Something else I learned was that abortion is completely illegal here. This country is religious and because of this--rather conservative (not in the Bush way, but in a religous way...if that makes sense). There has been so much rape and pregnacies b/c of the rape--and there is nothing these women can do about it. In addition, birth control pills are extremely rare--and the people that take them are almost always married.
Many of the kids in the program have mothers who are prostitutes. I learned that the prostitutes charge more money if the man doesn't want to wear a condom....so this, clearly, exacerbates the spread of HIV. Something else--mamy of the prostitutes were raped or sexually assaulted and sometimes purposely spread HIV to the men so they become infected. THe cutest girl in the clinic (if i were to adopt a child, she woud be it!) was born to a prostitute. She has a new baby eveyr year.
Alright, I'm exhausted and I have less than five hours before I catch a bus tomorrow to Butare.
Take care everyone! I'm thinking about you all.
Thursday, February 1, 2007
A Month in Kigali
Now that I have been in Kigali for almost a month, things are getting a little bit harder. Things are harder because I am developing relationships with particular people and now they are not just a somewhat anonymous person who is suffering. I have developed a new level of empathy for these individuals because of our relationship...this makes it harder for me because the reality sets in that they are sick and suffer almost every day of their lives. Additionally, it is hard because I know I am leaving in just over a month and so whatever small amount of happiness I can bring to their lives will be gone, and I will feel even more helpless when I am in Chicago or at school.
For example, tonight I felt this horrible pain that I had let down this particular girl (Nigena--the 12 year old I have been working with). Last Friday instead of going into the central office I went to a meeting with the trauma counselors to discuss alcohol use and physically abusive relationships between husbands and wives (a whole different topic, I will talk about it in a later post). Tonight, Deborah (the doctor) told me that on that day the little girl came to the office...and was clearly waiting around for me....I wasn't there, so she made up some complaint to see the doctor so she wasn't just sitting around the clinic by herself...Deborah said it was pretty clear that Nigena was not suffering from anything physical but rather came to be with me. I feel so horrible about this. I wish so much I had been there for her last Friday. (but the good news is, WE-ACTx found money for her to go to schoo! I just hope she is eating..). This is a picture of her, isn't she beautiful?
Something else that has been really hard for me is learning more about this woman I have been working closely with in the famliy program named Naila. She is an incredible person--she is an activisit and very political. She was in jail many years ago because she stood up against the government for women's rights and rights for individuals with HIV. She was beaten up when she was put in jail and still suffers physically (and emotionally of course) from what they did to her. She is opinionated and so strong--but looking at her you would never know it. She is incredibly frail and hardly ever eats....she has HIV and got infected by her husband who constantly cheated on her. She and her husband (who she is in the process of divorcing) have a twelve year old daughter named Nadia who is a very sweet and shy girl--but has witnessed some horrible things in her life, and as a result is deeply traumatized. Fortunately, she doesn't have HIV. So Naila's husband beat her (in front of their daughter) and when she refused to sleep wtih him (to worsen both of their HIV) he would bring home young women in front of her. He also raped a 12 year old girl. Through all of this--Naila feels the worst for the women with whom her (soon to be ex) husband has slept with, because he doesn't tell them that he is HIV positive.
Today Naila is getting sicker and sicker, and her CD4 count is below 200 (which is bad). She has tried many levels of the medicines and is developing resistance...it doesn't look very good for her. What is even harder is what will happen to her daughter when she dies. She has been so good to her daughter, giving her all the food her money can buy, even when she herself doesn't eat. Living with her father isn't a good option...I really don't know...it;s so hard to watch.
It is so painful being here; in a different way than before. It is a different kind of pain because I have relationships with these people now, and it is a reality that they will live much shortened lives and suffer from hunger or pain for much of them. Sometimes I think of the kids who were born with HIV--they are innocent--and most of them will die before they are twenty years old. I also think about their mothers who, for a majority of them, acquired HIV by being raped or having sex with their husbands who were infected from cheating with other women. They, too, are innocent (the women).
I'm sorry to sound depressing, it's just all so very sad and real, which scares me.
For example, tonight I felt this horrible pain that I had let down this particular girl (Nigena--the 12 year old I have been working with). Last Friday instead of going into the central office I went to a meeting with the trauma counselors to discuss alcohol use and physically abusive relationships between husbands and wives (a whole different topic, I will talk about it in a later post). Tonight, Deborah (the doctor) told me that on that day the little girl came to the office...and was clearly waiting around for me....I wasn't there, so she made up some complaint to see the doctor so she wasn't just sitting around the clinic by herself...Deborah said it was pretty clear that Nigena was not suffering from anything physical but rather came to be with me. I feel so horrible about this. I wish so much I had been there for her last Friday. (but the good news is, WE-ACTx found money for her to go to schoo! I just hope she is eating..). This is a picture of her, isn't she beautiful?
Something else that has been really hard for me is learning more about this woman I have been working closely with in the famliy program named Naila. She is an incredible person--she is an activisit and very political. She was in jail many years ago because she stood up against the government for women's rights and rights for individuals with HIV. She was beaten up when she was put in jail and still suffers physically (and emotionally of course) from what they did to her. She is opinionated and so strong--but looking at her you would never know it. She is incredibly frail and hardly ever eats....she has HIV and got infected by her husband who constantly cheated on her. She and her husband (who she is in the process of divorcing) have a twelve year old daughter named Nadia who is a very sweet and shy girl--but has witnessed some horrible things in her life, and as a result is deeply traumatized. Fortunately, she doesn't have HIV. So Naila's husband beat her (in front of their daughter) and when she refused to sleep wtih him (to worsen both of their HIV) he would bring home young women in front of her. He also raped a 12 year old girl. Through all of this--Naila feels the worst for the women with whom her (soon to be ex) husband has slept with, because he doesn't tell them that he is HIV positive.
Today Naila is getting sicker and sicker, and her CD4 count is below 200 (which is bad). She has tried many levels of the medicines and is developing resistance...it doesn't look very good for her. What is even harder is what will happen to her daughter when she dies. She has been so good to her daughter, giving her all the food her money can buy, even when she herself doesn't eat. Living with her father isn't a good option...I really don't know...it;s so hard to watch.
It is so painful being here; in a different way than before. It is a different kind of pain because I have relationships with these people now, and it is a reality that they will live much shortened lives and suffer from hunger or pain for much of them. Sometimes I think of the kids who were born with HIV--they are innocent--and most of them will die before they are twenty years old. I also think about their mothers who, for a majority of them, acquired HIV by being raped or having sex with their husbands who were infected from cheating with other women. They, too, are innocent (the women).
I'm sorry to sound depressing, it's just all so very sad and real, which scares me.
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