For example, tonight I felt this horrible pain that I had let down this particular girl (Nigena--the 12 year old I have been working with). Last Friday instead of going into the central office I went to a meeting with the trauma counselors to discuss alcohol use and physically abusive relationships between husbands and wives (a whole different topic, I will talk about it in a later post). Tonight, Deborah (the doctor) told me that on that day the little girl came to the office...and was clearly waiting around for me....I wasn't there, so she made up some complaint to see the doctor so she wasn't just sitting around the clinic by herself...Deborah said it was pretty clear that Nigena was not suffering from anything physical but rather came to be with me. I feel so horrible about this. I wish so much I had been there for her last Friday. (but the good news is, WE-ACTx found money for her to go to schoo! I just hope she is eating..). This is a picture of her, isn't she beautiful?
Something else that has been really hard for me is learning more about this woman I have been working closely with in the famliy program named Naila. She is an incredible person--she is an activisit and very political. She was in jail many years ago because she stood up against the government for women's rights and rights for individuals with HIV. She was beaten up when she was put in jail and still suffers physically (and emotionally of course) from what they did to her. She is opinionated and so strong--but looking at her you would never know it. She is incredibly frail and hardly ever eats....she has HIV and got infected by her husband who constantly cheated on her. She and her husband (who she is in the process of divorcing) have a twelve year old daughter named Nadia who is a very sweet and shy girl--but has witnessed some horrible things in her life, and as a result is deeply traumatized. Fortunately, she doesn't have HIV. So Naila's husband beat her (in front of their daughter) and when she refused to sleep wtih him (to worsen both of their HIV) he would bring home young women in front of her. He also raped a 12 year old girl. Through all of this--Naila feels the worst for the women with whom her (soon to be ex) husband has slept with, because he doesn't tell them that he is HIV positive.
Today Naila is getting sicker and sicker, and her CD4 count is below 200 (which is bad). She has tried many levels of the medicines and is developing resistance...it doesn't look very good for her. What is even harder is what will happen to her daughter when she dies. She has been so good to her daughter, giving her all the food her money can buy, even when she herself doesn't eat. Living with her father isn't a good option...I really don't know...it;s so hard to watch.
It is so painful being here; in a different way than before. It is a different kind of pain because I have relationships with these people now, and it is a reality that they will live much shortened lives and suffer from hunger or pain for much of them. Sometimes I think of the kids who were born with HIV--they are innocent--and most of them will die before they are twenty years old. I also think about their mothers who, for a majority of them, acquired HIV by being raped or having sex with their husbands who were infected from cheating with other women. They, too, are innocent (the women).
I'm sorry to sound depressing, it's just all so very sad and real, which scares me.
